Journey Journal

I wanted to blog this last night, but didn't have a chance.  Maybe I should have done it when I woke up at 3:45 AM and couldn't go back to sleep, but alas better late than never!  I have posted several updates on the adoption process, but not as much about my feelings during this process.  I don't really know why I haven't shared them other than I don't think I really understood some of them until recently.  I decided I want to do some more in depth documentation since this blog is the longest running "journal" I've kept in my life!  I hear right brained people tend to be great starters of things, but not as good at following through.   Anyway....

I have had a flood of weird contradicting emotions over the last few weeks.  There has been a lot going on as you can tell from my posts lately, but one thing is constantly on my mind, or should I say one person.  He's faceless, nameless, but so very real to my heart.  I've busied myself with everything I can possibly "do" to prepare for him, but so much is out of my control.  I am very grateful though that God is using this time to endear me to my child, His child.   He keeps drawing me to this scripture, which I pray often for our little man:

Isaiah 43:1

But now, this is what the LORD says— ...
       "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; 
       I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

God reminds me that our child is first and foremost His child and He has chosen us to have the privilege of helping him to understand and accept his ultimate worth as a chosen child of God.  It is my prayer that as our child begins to understand his adoption into our family, we will be able to point him to the ultimate adoption we have all experienced through the sacrifice of Christ.  The aforementioned scripture in a simpler form may end up on our child's bedroom wall.  I want him to know from the beginning when he is confused by the numerous people who have been "parents" in his life that He is Christ's kid.  I'm sorry if my thoughts are scrambled, but that is how it has been lately.   

Last week it struck me on my way home from work, just like a lightening bolt - intense sadness, perhaps grief.  I cried and cried, but I didn't know why.  I cried for the fact that we would not have a baby dedication for our child, or any baby pictures, nor experience many of the firsts that come in the toddler stage.  I became fearful that my tears meant this was not what we are supposed to do.  It wasn't until a day or two later that I began to understand.  I was grieving for the first few years of our child's life that we were not able to share with him.  I spoke to my friend who works with post adoption families and she said it was okay.  In fact she said that the kids grieve the years they have not shared with their adoptive families as well.  It was then I realized it was another way in which God is growing me and preparing me for being the momma to such a precious boy who has endured so many difficult circumstances.